FIC: What You Will (Thor) - Love Loss Hope Repeat (5/8)

[ashinae]

What You Will - Chapter 5: Love Loss Hope Repeat
by ashinae and linden_jay

Chapter 1: Unknown Bride | Chapter 2: A Girl and Her Horse | Chapter 3: For the First Time | Chapter 4: Torn to Tatters | Chapter 5: Love Loss Hope Repeat | Chapter 6: Follow the Lady | Chapter 7: Learn to Fly | Chapter 8: Life Less Ordinary



Loki hid the boyish clothes in a chest on the far side of her room where none of her maids bothered to look. She would have to start collecting more. It wouldn't do to wear the exact same thing all the time; she wore many of the same pieces for her riding lessons as she did when she was Thor's friend Cesario. While Thor remained oblivious to the similar appearances of Princess Loki and Cesario the groom, he may--perhaps--notice the same tunic.

Perhaps.

She looked at the chest that barricaded the door joining their rooms. She squared her shoulders, cleared the door, and unlocked it before she retired for the night.

She slept soundly, despite the hollowness inside her and the ache around her heart. She woke late, and only because one of her maids had come into the room and started to open the drapes to let in the sunshine. Ailsa was a sweet girl, and knew her princess did not like to oversleep.

Loki rose and bathed, then her maid helped her dress and prepare for her day. As her hair was brushed, her thoughts wandered, as they often did.

Thor maintained that his lack of desire for her was not because she was not truly Asgardian. Was he, then, simply too young for this? Too immature? Certainly she was no older than he was, but perhaps Asgardians and Jotunar were different in more ways than she knew. It was not hard to believe that Thor was simply not ready for all of this considering he had spent most of his time on horseback, on the hunt, in battle, with his friends, and hitting things very hard with his hammer.

Maybe that was it.

She frowned in thought. Ailsa touched her shoulder and she smiled at the girl. She rose to her feet and Ailsa helped her dress before Loki dismissed her and left her suites. She barely made it a few steps before she spotted Fandral coming down the corridor.

"My Lord Fandral," she said. "Have you come to escort me to breakfast?"

"If you will permit me the honour, my Lady Loki," Fandral said, bowing deeply. "I have been busy, and spent far too long away from the pleasure of your company." He offered her his arm.

Loki took his arm. "It is a pleasure, as always, to see you." She looked up at him and tilted her head. "If I may be so bold as to ask," she said, "have you seen much of my lord husband lately?"

"I have not," Fandral admitted, leading her down the hall. "He has been remarkably scarce of late."

"Yes, he has," she said, softly. She let out a sigh, paused, and turned him to look at her. "Please. I fear something terrible troubles him. I have not had the pleasure of his company in many days now, and though we had a difficult start, everything seemed to be working out in our favour. I do not want him to fall into melancholy." She looked down. If she could play on the love and sympathies of any of Thor's friends, Fandral was the one. She clasped her hands tightly together, as though to stop them trembling. "I love him very much, Fandral."

Fandral frowned, looking deeply concerned. "Of course, my lady. Please, do not worry--I will speak to Thor and make sure that he is well," he assured her.

"Be gentle with him, Fandral," she cautioned, being carefully stern--something she had learned from Frigga. Loki looked him in the eye and laid one hand on his arm. "Direct questioning may not work. Offer him your friendship and your support--he may need to be reminded that he has both. We need to be cautious. We do not want to drive him away or to some rash action. You know what he can be like when his temper is aroused."

Because she certainly didn't know what he was like when any other part of him was aroused.

"I assure you, I will be the soul of discretion and subtlety." He placed a hand over his breast. "If I may ask... we spoke once before, and you seemed concerned then as well. My lady... are things not going well between you?" he asked cautiously.

"Not so well as I would like," she admitted. "I feared for some time that he did not think me worthy, but I think that's not quite it. He has been so unhappy these months that I worry I may never know the real Thor--that I may never truly have his heart, and that would break mine."

"And you are quite certain that you would not like me to solve this for you at the point of a weapon?" he asked.

Now, granted, Thor could quite easily best Fandral in any game of war... but a lady's happiness was at stake.

"Sweet Fandral." Loki touched his cheek. "I truly do not believe that would help any of us. However, don't think I haven't entertained the idea of beating him myself." She sighed and took his arm again, giving a little tug so that they could continue down the corridor. "I just want to know what I can do make him happy. My lord Thor is the very heart of my universe."

"You are a good woman... truly, he does not deserve you, and I say that as one of his dearest friends, and a man who loves him deeply," Fandral said. "He is young, and he is stubborn. I have faith that you will discover what is at the heart of his trouble. And please know that I will assist you in any way that I can," he said earnestly.

"I know you will, good Fandral. You are a dear friend and my lord husband and I couldn't ask for better."

***

"My lord Thor! Please, do not go."

Loki's voice rang out in the darkness. She stood, shivering in the cool night air--oh, how very strange!--and called out to Thor as he seemed intent on, once again, fleeing the palace itself for the evening. That would just not do. The dinner with their friends and parents had been wonderful, and although Thor was subdued, he had not seemed entirely morose.

Thor paused immediately--at least he would not run away when she called his name. "My lady?" he said, turning around and going back to her.

"Come back inside, my lord," she said, in her most imperious tone--either so that he would obey or fight. She was prepared for either. "The nights grow colder, and I fear the stables are just not an appropriate place for a prince."

He blinked at her tone, then looked sheepish. He inclined his head in Loki's direction. "As you wish, my lady," he said, walked over, and offered her his arm, trying to ignore the tension he instantly felt.

Instead of taking his arm, she took hand. "I do wish," she said as she guided him back into the palace. "I wish, because we have been foolish children, and I have had quite enough of that. I wish, because I love you, no matter what you might think. I wish, because we are wed, and we should not be separated."

"Loki... I..." Thor said nothing else. And neither did she, though they still held hands all the way back to their chambers.

Loki closed and locked the door behind them, turned to Thor, and lifted her chin. "I am the daughter of kings," she said, "and this does not come easily to me. But I said something terribly hurtful to you, husband, so I will say this: I apologise. It was wrong of me to threaten to go to another's bed, and I am sorry."

This time, he did her the honour of refusing to look away. "I am not the husband you should have had," he said. "I wish things had been different... that you had been married to someone who deserved you. We are neither of us where we thought we would be, but we are children of kings, and our options are limited. Thank you," he said softly. "We have our duties, and we both know them well. I am sorry that I fail at mine toward you."

"I will not deny that I desire you," said Loki. "You are beautiful, and I... read too much." She ducked her head with a smile. "But I want more than that. I want your companionship and your friendship, and I want you to be able to look at me without feeling pain or anxiety. I know I cannot make you love me, but I do wish you would let me love you."

"None of this is fair to you," Thor said quietly. "I do care for you, Loki. Very much. I would have you believe that, if nothing else."

"I do believe you care--if you didn't, I think this would not cause you so much grief." She took a breath. "But I will love enough for both of us, until... until we can find our proper place in each other's lives."

Thor closed his eyes for a moment. Finally, he just nodded, then opened his eyes again. "Thank you," he said, voice rough. "You are a wise woman, Laufeysdottir." He managed a smile.

"I know," she said, tossing her hair. And then she laughed and went to him, placed her hands on his chest and leaned up to kiss his nose. "And you are a ridiculous man, Odinson. I will learn what it takes to make you happy. For now, please--sleep in your own bed instead of snuggled up to Halvard. You smell much better when you have not slept in the stables. Good night, my lord husband." She turned to leave.

He laughed, very softly, watching her go. "Wait," he called, before she reached her door. "Please?"

She turned. "Yes, my lord?"

He went over to her and took her hand, bringing it to his mouth and kissing the back. "I do not know why you are being so patient with me, but I thank you. And I am sorry for hurting you, and causing you to doubt yourself. Please, forgive me, Loki."

"I do forgive you, because I do love you," she said. She touched his cheek. "Good night, my husband. Sleep well."

He leaned in and kissed the top of her head. "You as well. Good night, my lady."

***

"So where do you go today, my prince? Are you returning to the palace, or leaving the palace?" Loki, as Cesario, was once again perched upon a wall. This particular spot seemed a very good place for him to watch for Thor.

"Leaving the palace," Thor explained. "I just had a lengthy meeting where I watched my father interacting with advisors, and I rather desperately needed some air."

"Then it's good that fresh air is in such abundance." Loki spread his arms wide and grinned. "Where shall we walk, my prince?"

"Somewhere new, I think," Thor said. "Somewhere you have not been. Choose a direction, my friend, and I will be your guide."

Loki pondered a moment and then he smiled and pointed. "That way, my prince."

Thor gave him a low, dramatic bow. "As you wish," he said, straightening up and offering his hand to Loki to help him down from the wall. Thor released his hand once Loki was steady again, placed his hand on the small of his back for a few moments, and guided him in the direction Loki had pointed.

They walked in companionable silence for a time, then Loki said, "I want to thank you for your kindness and friendship, my prince. It means more than I can say."

"You are welcome," Thor said. "I have decided that it is important to me that we be known for our hospitality to guests and newcomers. I am a warrior, yes, but I am learning that there is a place for peace. I want my home to be such a place."

Loki reached out and plucked a flower, without breaking his stride, and lifted the flower to his nose. "We should be a beacon in the Nine Realms," he murmured. "Lead by example. I believe in you, Prince Thor. I believe you can be this leader for us. All other worlds should look to us as an example."

"I wonder sometimes if my father has been held back from doing the things he wanted to do because of the things he must do," Thor said. "It is easy for me to make these judgments. I have never been the one who had to make the difficult decisions. There will always be a need, a place, for warriors, and I do not shrink from that responsibility. But one cannot always be at war."

Loki paused and looked at Thor with wide eyes. "I must admit that I'm surprised to hear you say such a thing, my lord."

"I must admit that I'm surprised to be saying it," Thor said. "I am not the man I once was. I regretted that, initially. Now... now I am not so certain." He led Loki around a tight corner and smiled. "What do you think?" he asked.

Loki was stunned into speechlessness. He stared about at the garden with his mouth open, and just drank it in.

"My father had this built for my mother, some years ago," Thor said, standing close to Loki, smiling as he leaned to the side and bumped their shoulders together. "No one comes here often, but it is beautiful."

Loki stepped across grass greener than imagining. He sat on the edge of the tall fountain and stared about in wonder; it was though he had to sit or be overwhelmed by the majesty of the trees, or the intricate design work on the low wall, or the vibrant hues of red, blue, violet, and yellow flowers.

"Is there nothing like this where you come from?" Thor asked, leaning against a tree and watching Loki.

"Not like this." Loki turned his eyes to Thor. "Bring her here, my prince. You say you are not worthy, that she deserves better? Prove yourself wrong. Prove to her that you want to give her more. Pack a picnic and bring her here. Don't forget to bring a blanket--she will not forgive you if she has stains on one of her gowns. And surprise her with a gift. Everyone loves to be surprised with gifts. But bring your wife here."

Thor looked thoughtful, then smiled widely. "I believe you are a romantic, Cesario. A romantic, and a wise man. I will consider this," he said. "Thank you, for your counsel."

"It will work, Prince Thor. Believe me--it will work."

"I hope that you are right, Cesario," Thor said, turning his head so he could look out on the horizon. "I truly do."

***

"I have not seen you raid the kitchens since you were a little boy."

"Perhaps it is just that you have not caught me," Thor said, and the smile on his face was the smile of a slightly wicked young boy.

"Perhaps that is so," Odin agreed, and seemed to smile in spite of himself. He stepped up beside Thor and gestured to the basket and blanket. "Is this for Loki?"

"It is," Thor said. "I am taking her to Mother's garden, on the suggestion of a wise friend. I have not told her yet," he explained, "so I don't know if she will agree to go. I hope she will."

"I suspect she will. You have both been much happier of late. Your mother didn't want me to interfere, only to offer you support. In these matters, she does know best."

"She has ever been a wise woman," Thor agreed. "Our wives have that in common."

Thor wasn't sure he was happier. There was still this spectre of what wasn't happening hanging over him... but Loki wasn't pushing, so he was able to relax, for the moment. A little while longer that he could pretend that nothing was wrong, and focus on what was right.

"Learn to listen to her when she's right," Odin said, with a small smile, "and you, too, will be wise." He gave Thor's shoulder a reassuring squeeze, and turned to a different table. He found a large cloth napkin, spread it out, and put two pastries on it. "Remember to take dessert, Thor." He tied the corners of the napkin together.

"Of course," Thor said, tucking the pastry into the basket. "So tell me, Father. How do you know when Mother is wrong?" he asked, eyes sparkling a little.

"She is never wrong," said Odin dryly. "That's part of what keeps things exciting."

Thor laughed softly. "I wondered," he teased.

***

Ailsa was very young, very short, very loud, and very red-headed. She peered up as she opened the door, and then bobbed into a curtsey. "My prince," she said, "I was just doing Lady Loki's hair. I'm sure she'd be happy to see you, oh, is that picnic basket? Is this a surprise?" Her voice dropped into a giddy little whisper on the last few words.

"A picnic?" Loki's voice called from deeper in the room. "Come in, my lord husband. We won't take long."

Ailsa curtsied again and hurried back to her mistress' vanity table. "Should we just tie your hair back, princess?" she asked before Thor could even greet Loki. "Or perhaps I could just braid it. That would work, I think, and it won't take very long at all, I promise." She beamed up at Thor. "A picnic! Oh, how romantic. No one's ever taken me on a romantic picnic. It's such a beautiful day outside, I'm sure you'll both have a wonderful time."

Loki met Thor's gaze in the mirror, and it was only then that she could no longer hide her smile.

Thor's eyes sparkled back at her, and he smiled politely. "Unless you have other plans, my lady, I would welcome your company," he said. "Are you hungry?"

"Famished, my husband. You came just in time. My hero." Loki smiled as Ailsa's fingers worked with rather surprising deftness and, for a few moments, her tongue stilled as she concentrated on her task. Loki reached for a hair pin, which Ailsa put in right at the top of the thick plait, and then she bobbed another curtsey.

"Will there be anything else, princess?" Ailsa asked.

"No, my dear, that will be all, thank you." Loki stood and smoothed her hands down her gown--green, as always--and watched the maid leave. She looked up at Thor. "She's a very sweet girl," she said, "but she is exhausting."

"I feel less sympathy for you than you might imagine, my lady," Thor said. "After all, one of my chosen companions is Fandral."

"She dallied with Fandral not long ago," Loki said. "I had to hear all about it." Loki slipped her hand into Thor's. "I really am quite hungry. Where are we going?"

Thor linked their fingers. "It is a surprise. Do you trust me?" he said.

"With my life," she replied. "Lead on, my lord."

He smiled at her, the expression meeting his eyes as it hadn't at other times, and he led her away from their rooms. "How went your studies today?" he asked.

"Very well," she replied. "My tutor is terribly impressed with me--as well he should be." She lifted her chin haughtily, but grinned.

"That ego... you remind me of my father," Thor said.

"Hm. I'll take that as a compliment, my lord. Thank you."

"It was meant as one," he assured her. "So, did Fandral break the heart of your maid?"

"There were tears," Loki said with a sigh. "Many, many tears."

"I could tell Sif," Thor offered, eyes sparkling. "See what she would make of him."

"Not this time," Loki decided after a moment's consideration. "He should be warned, however, that if he ever makes one of my maids cry again, he will have to answer to Sif."

"I'll be sure to inform him of what risks he takes, dallying with your servants," Thor said.

"Thank you. He needs to--" They turned a tight corner and she stopped with a gasp, lifting her free hand to her mouth. "Oh. Thor."

He smiled, turning so he could watch her face. "Surprise," he murmured.

She spun in a circle, her hand still over her mouth, and drank in the sight of the garden. "I had no idea this was here--how did I not know, after all this time? Oh, Thor!" And she threw herself into his arms, hugging him tight.

"There are hidden places around here... pockets of wild, areas where people seldom go, except to find peace and beauty," Thor said, hugging her back. "I thought... well, this seemed like somewhere you might like."

"I do," she said, "I do like it, it's perfect!" She let him go and walked all the way around the fountain, admiring it, then looked at the trees and flowers and went back to Thor to hug him again. "Thank you, my love."

"You're welcome," Thor said, laughing when she hugged him. "Go--explore. We have time."

She kissed his cheek then hurried away to do just that, taking her time to explore and examine nearly every inch of the garden. She was startled, once, by a bird flying out of a tree--undoubtedly she had startled it just as much. Then she looked back at him, and said, "Thor, Thor, what is this?" as she pointed.

"What?" Thor moved closer so he could see what she looked at. "It's a butterfly," he said. "They start out as one creature, and transform into another, more beautiful than the original form."

"Why? Why do they do that?" She bent down to get a closer look at the butterfly, which was sitting very, very still on the flower.

"I don't know," Thor said. "They start out as... I don't know how to describe it, exactly. A sort of worm. And they close themselves up in a shell, and when it breaks, they look like that. They can fly."

"With wings like that..." She smiled and stepped away, still watching the butterfly. "I wish I could fly, too," she murmured. "Though I never did close myself up in a shell."

"I suppose not," Thor said. "I never asked... it isn't my business, but... can you go back to what you were? If you chose? Do you miss your natural form?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I cannot change back, as far as I'm aware--at least, not of my own choosing. And I find with each passing day, I miss my 'natural' form less and less. This--" she gestured to herself, "is becoming more natural to me."

"I suppose that is a good thing," Thor said. "It still seems unfair that you had to change at all."

"Now that I am here, and settled, and with you?" She turned to him fully, and reached for his hands. "I would not change my life. I am the luckiest woman in all the Realms. I have you."

"I am glad you're here," he said. She could see the truth of that in his eyes. "Come--I promised to feed you."

"Yes, you did, and I'm still quite hungry." She let him lead her to where he had spread out the blanket, and she sat with him as he spread out their meal. Her eyes brightened considerably when she saw the pastry.

"I would take credit, but the pastry was my father's idea," he admitted. "I hope that I would have got there on my own, but he thought of it first."

"He is indeed a very wise man." She reached for some fruit, and offered a grape right to his mouth, her eyes twinkling.

Thor laughed and let her feed him the grape. "I have something for you," he said.

"You've already given me all this. What more could you have for me?" And though she tried to keep her tone neutral, she couldn't help the excited expression from her face, and betrayed herself a little more by getting up onto her knees.

"It's not much," Thor said, reaching into an inner pocket and handing her a small flat package, wrapped in cloth.

She took the package and opened the cloth, revealing a green book, its cover all inlaid with gold. "Oh," she said, softly, letting her fingers trail over the leather. She opened it quickly, to discover it was blank, and looked up at him again. "For taking notes for my studies?"

"If you like," Thor said. "Or for writing your story... the tale of Loki, heir of Laufey, princess of Asgard. For drawing pictures or writing songs. It's your book, my lady. Do with it what you will."

"Thor..." She leaned over and kissed his cheek. "Thank you, my love. This is all so thoughtful." She wrapped both arms around him and hugged him tight.

A crossbow bolt fell from above and pierced her leg, the skirt of her dress, the blanket beneath them, and embedded itself in the ground. She let out a cry of pain and fell away from Thor, momentarily too shocked to move.

Thor acted immediately, put Loki behind him, and extended his hand for his weapon. "Who dares?" he bellowed, breaking the bolt in half to free Loki's skirts.

It seemed that no less than seven assailants dared. They wore masks to hide their faces. Four of them rushed Thor directly; the remaining three came from behind to grab Loki. One of those three fell instantly to his knees, clutching at his belly as it bled. He hadn't seen where Loki's knife had come from; that was rather the point.

Thor knocked his four back, stunning but not killing any of them, looking back at Loki in surprise. "Are you all right?" he called.

Loki could hold her own. And Thor couldn't fight all seven at once. "Worry about yourself, my lord!"

A few more attackers sprang from the trees. Loki looked around, watching the ones she could see, and backed toward the fountain. Two of their attackers started to advance on her, then hurried forward. Just as they reached her, they both lunged in unison--and fell right through her as she shimmered and disappeared and they collapsed in the fountain in a stunned heap, even as Loki appeared on the other side of the garden.

The wielder of the crossbow perched atop a wall and readied the weapon. Loki spotted her and something green and shining left Loki's hand to embed itself in the woman's neck. She toppled back into the trees.

Loki paid Thor no mind, knowing perfectly well that none could stand in the face of his might. She needed to concentrate on her own work. In an instant the garden was full of no less than a dozen of her, surrounding one particularly large brute, who swung his sword wildly, only for it pass right through each Loki he tried to attack.

He didn't turn fast enough. The Loki behind him had one hand on his shoulder, and the other moved to his lower back. He cried out once, in pain, and fell. Only one Loki remained, looking down at his body. "Are we quite finished?" she asked, as though terribly bored.

Thor lifted his head, tossing his hair back and smiling at Loki, a smear of blood on his cheek. Two of them, many times their number of attackers.

The attackers never stood a chance.

"Are you unhurt, my love?" Loki went to him and lifted her hand to his cheek. It wasn't his blood, and she looked relieved. Never mind the fact that her leg hurt and she was quite certain it bled freely.

"Not a scratch," Thor said, looking her over. "You need to be tended to--but not here."

"I will be fine," she said, trying to brush off the damage. She turned and looked at the two assailants who were still lying in the fountain. One was groaning. "Those two are still alive. Good," she said, fiercely. "I want to know why this just--oh!" She moved away from Thor, limped over to their ruined picnic and her green book. She winced as she dropped to her knees, but tried to pretend that didn't happen at all. "It's unscathed."

"But you are not," Thor said. "Come--the guards will take care of this for us," he said. "I want your leg looked at by one of the healers."

***

| Chapter 6: Follow the Lady |