FIC: What You Will (Thor) - For the First Time (3/8)

[ashinae]

What You Will - Chapter 3: For the First Time
by ashinae and linden_jay

Chapter 1: Unknown Bride | Chapter 2: A Girl and Her Horse | Chapter 3: For the First Time | Chapter 4: Torn to Tatters | Chapter 5: Love Loss Hope Repeat | Chapter 6: Follow the Lady | Chapter 7: Learn to Fly | Chapter 8: Life Less Ordinary



Thor had been all but living in the stables since his marriage to Loki, spending many of his evenings and every night there. It was less than ideal--as large as his horse's stall was, it really wasn't meant for the two of them. Plus, Thor was all but certain that his horse was mocking him when he was sleeping.

He might be losing just the slightest grip on reality.

He couldn't talk to his parents... he certainly couldn’t talk to Loki. He'd been avoiding his friends for fear of what they might say, and when he hadn't been avoiding them, he'd been sharp or rude.

Things really weren't going Thor Odinson's way.

He sighed loudly, then tilted his head to the side as he entered the stables. There was someone unfamiliar grooming his wife's horse. Thor had thought that he knew everyone who worked the stables, but he had never seen the black-clad young man who was doting on Rowan.

Curious (and glad to see someone he didn't know, to tell the truth), Thor wandered over. "A beautiful creature, is she not?" he asked.

The boy froze. He looked up at Thor with wide, terrified green eyes. "I--"

Thor raised his hand. "It is all right. Even from over there, I could see that you care for her. I don't believe I have seen you here before. What is your name?"

The boy cast his gaze down. He licked his lip, then said, "Cesario, my lord."

"Cesario," Thor said, nodding. It wasn't a name he knew. "Are you newly arrived?" he asked.

Cesario nodded. "Yes, my lord. Very recently, and I have been put to work here. As you can undoubtedly see." He looked away again, seeming embarrassed, and he stroked the horse's neck.

"I thought I had not seen you before. I spend much of my time at the stables," he admitted.

Although more time lately than ever before, but he wasn't about to go into it.

"I hope you have been made welcome here," Thor said.

"Oh yes," Cesario replied. "Rowan, in particular, has made me very welcome, haven't you, good girl?" He stroked the horse's neck and she turned her head and nuzzled at him.

"She is one of our greatest ambassadors," Thor said proudly. "She's experienced at making people who are far from home feel welcome here," he added, thinking of Loki. If nothing else, he’d managed to make her happy the one time, introducing Loki to riding, and to Rowan.

"I can imagine that she must." Cesario stepped away from Rowan, just briefly, and returned with an apple for her. "There you are, lovely lady. Eat up." He looked at Thor again. "I understand that she was your mother the queen's horse, and now has been claimed by the new princess."

"She has, yes," Thor said. "They are a perfect match together. The lady Loki has only just started to learn to ride since her arrival here, and she is doing wonderfully well."

"I have heard so much of her, but could not be here at the palace for the wedding," said Cesario. He stepped away from the horse and a little closer to Thor, but Rowan followed, nuzzling at his shoulder. "I have heard many things about her already--I can't help but be surprised at how warmly this Jotunn has been welcomed by our people."

"It seems as though you have already won Rowan's heart," Thor said, smiling at that, then turning away to look at Cesario. "The people of the Jotunn who have been sent here have always been welcomed by our people, but I think that it is Loki herself who has endeared herself with them."

"Rowan, behave yourself," Cesario chided, gently, and reached into a bucket for a handful of oats. "This is your last treat for the day." He looked at Thor again. "I have heard so many stories of your bride, my lord, that she hardly seems like she could be real. She is spoken of like a princess in a saga, so beautiful and wise that she is hardly to be believed."

That made Thor smile, although there was a sadness that crept into his expression. "She is everything the stories say," he said. "She deserves far better in a husband than the one she was wed to," he added under his breath, not meaning to say it aloud at all.

"My lord?" Cesario took a tentative step forward, and there was concern in his bright green eyes. "I could not have heard what I think I might have."

Thor jerked his head up, eyes going wide for a few moments before he quickly turned his head away. "My apologies. I should not be bothering you. You have work to do. My apologies, Cesario," he said stiffly, upset with himself for speaking his thoughts aloud.

"I would think," Cesario said, slowly, clasping his hands behind his back, "that my work, my responsibility, my duty, is to Asgard. And since you are the crown prince of Asgard..." He grinned. "Why, it would be my very duty to see to it that you are happy."

Thor actually smiled at that, even if it was just a little. "You did that very well," he said, laughing softly. "Clearly you have been trained in more than just the care of horses."

"You will find, my lord Thor, that I have many skills."

"I would believe that," Thor said, leaning against the wall. "Well then, Cesario, I will tell you that I did not intend to be married for some time yet, and I believe that any lessons I was given on how to be a proper husband were clearly lessons that I paid no attention to."

Cesario leaned against the opposite wall, mirroring Thor's pose almost perfectly. "From my understanding, there are actually no lessons one can take. But your princess sounds almost too good to be true--surely it cannot be so difficult to be married to her, even if she is an underdeveloped Frost Giant."

"She is too good to be true," Thor said. He shouldn't be sharing this with this stablehand--he knew better. But he had no one else he could talk to. "She's too good for me. Being a Frost Giant... it doesn't matter. She's just... Loki."

"It truly doesn't bother you what she really is?" Cesario asked. "The court might be enchanted by her, but they are not the ones married to her. It's not hard not to think of her as some sort of... creature?"

Thor frowned. "She is not a creature," he said firmly. "She is a woman. A smart, kind, engaging woman. I hope that these are not your feelings, Cesario. You seem to be doing well here, but if they are, you might find it difficult to belong here."

"Is she truly that special, that you can look beyond her birth and see only what she is now?"

"There is nothing wrong with her," Thor said firmly. "I am the one who is the problem." He lifted his head sharply. Clearly he didn't mean to say that. "Enough of this--I was going to go for a ride. Would you like to join me?" he asked.

Cesario blinked, as though his mind hadn't quite caught up with this sudden change in the direction of their conversation. "I--me?"

"I prefer not to ride alone, and I've often gone out with one of the grooms. Would you join me?"

"Me, my prince?" Cesario stood straight. "If it is your wish, I will join you."

“As I am currently looking for a riding companion, being a groom makes you the perfect choice,” Thor said. "Please. I would welcome the company."

Cesario gave him a smile. "Certainly, my prince. I will join you."

"Very well," he said, smiling back. "I will saddle my own horse--join us, once you have Rowan ready, please."

***

"It's beautiful here." Loki slipped down from the saddle and let Rowan go to the river. How strange this was; how strange to be with Thor and not have Thor recognise him at all. He expected that any moment now, Thor would realise who this "Cesario" was. Cesario! It was hardly an Asgardian or Jotunn name--Loki had read it in one of his fiction books.

He shielded his eyes against the sun and looked out to the far horizon. "There is so much I haven't yet seen," he said. "Thank you for bringing me here."

"I come here often... no one else ever seems to come to this place," Thor said. "I needed somewhere quiet, and I'm afraid I've dragged you out along with me."

"It's very quiet," Loki observed. "Beautiful and quiet. A wonderful place to contemplate. Or read, perhaps." He'd have to come to the riverside again with some of his studying, when he needed to escape the palace.

Thor murmured in agreement. "I have been coming here since I was a child."

"Alone?" Loki grinned and sat in the grass, arms thrust out behind him. He closed his eyes. "I can just imagine you, Prince Thor, running away from home--perhaps after being told you couldn't have something you wanted, and how dare anyone tell the mighty prince what he could and couldn't do? And you would sit here until sunset and the Queen or the All-Father came to fetch you, and scold you for running away and worrying them." He opened his eyes and peered up at Thor; he had to tilt his head back and his perfectly straight hair was caught against his collar. "Am I far from the truth?"

Thor winced, then smiled. "You are, in fact, exactly correct. It happened on more than one occasion."

"Did you flee here when you were told that you must be wed?"

"I did," Thor said. "I did a lot of things that I am not terribly proud of."

"You must still have time to do things you will be proud of," Loki said. "You have your whole lives ahead of you."

"Things are more complicated than I thought when I was a youth."

"Is that not the way of growing older?"

"Perhaps I was not ready. No. I know I was not ready. That no longer matters, however," Thor said, looking at the water. "I am here, and I must go forward. There is no return to childhood."

Loki sat up and draped his arms over his bent knees. "That is all any of us can do, my prince. I think you could do it, if anyone can."

Thor continued to stare out at the water. "I fear I am not the best company today, Cesario. My apologies."

"Your life is not what you had imagined it would be. I imagine that would distract anyone." Loki got to his feet and dusted off his breeches. "I'm certain I would not cope so well." He put his hand lightly on Thor's arm. "She may not hate you so much as you think."

"I am not sure you are correct about that, Cesario, but thank you," Thor said. "I will remain awhile longer. Please... feel free to explore the area. I will not leave without you."

"I would rather stay with you. If you don't mind, my prince."

"I don't mind," Thor said, turning to look at him and smiling a little. "I thought I wanted to be alone, but it is possible I was wrong. Thank you for staying."

***

Loki couldn't take it anymore.

Thor had not recognised her at all when he met "Cesario", but he had been friendly. Open, even, or at least as much as a prince could be with a peasant. It was not as though Thor had tried to start some illicit affair--what a scandal that would be--and while he had seemed just as sad as he did when he was with his princess, at least he had looked Cesario in the eye. And spoke of his bride in glowing terms. There was only so much a lady could take.

It was time, perhaps, to take a more direct approach.

Loki left her hair unbound and flowing down her back. She discarded her gown and chose instead a white shift that left nothing to the imagination. She marched to the door adjoining their suites and didn't bother to knock.

"Look at me," she said.

Thor started violently, dropped the knife he was sharpening to the floor, and nearly skewered his foot. He looked down at it, up at Loki, then back down at the knife. "Um."

"The ladies of the court look to me as influence in their fashion," she said. "I have it on authority that this is true. They envy my hair and my dresses. I am, apparently, a very beautiful woman."

"Er." Thor, wide-eyed, still looked at the knife in the floor next to his feet.

"Do you think me repulsive? Am I just a creature from the stories told by your people, of the monsters that lurk in the shadows? Have I done something to offend you--or is this simply a petty way to exact your revenge for this marriage?"

This time, Thor lifted his head and stared into her face. "What? No! Of course not!" he insisted.

And she was just supposed to believe that?

She spread her arms wide, then let them drop to her sides. "I was made like this for you. Do you have any idea what it was like to realise that I would not be like the rest of my people? It was enough to be so much smaller--but then my flesh changed. My eyes changed. Everything about me changed. It is the magic of the treaty and I will never be able to go home. And you won't even touch me, I disgust you so much. I was born on Jotunheim, but I cannot go back. I was made to be Asgardian. For. You."

"I did not ask for that!" Thor protested. "You cannot blame me for what was done to you--I would not have had you change. None of this should have had to happen to either of us--I told my father, and he would not listen!"

What a terrible blow that must have been for him--to lose that battle. Though she did suppose she could not blame him completely; she was not accustomed to not getting her way, either. She was also not willing to not get her way on this.

"But it did happen, and because it did, it is unseemly and inappropriate that we do not share a bed. Some day, you must touch me. Some day, I must bear your child. And if you would just do that, you could nearly be rid of me, and return to your life, and my days and nights would be concerned with our offspring. I know I must be repulsive to you, but this cannot stand. I know we are young, but if you would--after, you can return to the true Asgardian maidens I am certain you vastly prefer. I would not complain." To her dismay, her eyes filled with tears. "You could be rid of me then."

He looked at her with horror in his expression as she kept talking, as he saw her eyes tear up. "Loki," he said softly. "It... that is not what I want." He rose to his feet and took a step closer to her.

"Of course it is. We have been married for over a month and you have not touched me." She wiped furiously at her face with her fingertips. "You can barely look at me!" She covered her face. "You must find me so hideous."

"I don't--you aren't!" Thor insisted. He looked around, spotted a handkerchief, and then offered it to her. "Please... please, don't cry."

She snatched the handkerchief from his hand and wiped her face. "What have I done wrong? Why can't you just try?"

"You haven't... it isn't..." He struggled for words, then reached out for her hand. "Loki," he said softly, leaned down, and kissed her on the cheek.

Chaste as a brother.

Loki looked up at Thor in surprise. She managed a tremulous smile. "That might be considered a start."

"I suppose it is," Thor said. He did it again, to her other cheek.

She closed her eyes for a moment. "You are so very handsome, my lord husband. I think I'm the luckiest girl in all the realms." If he could just want her--that would make it all right. It would make everything all right if he could want her because perhaps, one day, he could love her and she could love him.

"Please, don't cry," he murmured, taking the handkerchief from her hand and gently wiping her cheeks. When he was done that, he leaned in and brushed a kiss across her mouth.

She closed her eyes, though the kiss did not last long. Her face was turned up to his. Her eyes fluttered open and she reached up to rest her hand on his chest. She could feel his heart race under her touch. "I want to be good for you," she whispered. "I want to be yours."

The idea of losing him to another made jealousy stab through her. She had been forced into this, but she would make this work. She was, after all, born to rule, and if she was to do it here, then so be it. But this man--this beautiful, golden man--would be hers alone.

She wasn't sure when she had decided this, exactly, but now that she had, she was going to be damned if she was going to be anything but impossibly stubborn.

He didn't appear to be able to find words. Sometimes she wondered if her own ability to talk endlessly overwhelmed him. And then all thoughts of words left her as Thor slid an arm around her waist, pulled her closer, and leaned down for yet another kiss.

There was only a thin layer of silk separating them, and she could feel the heat of his body through it. She let her arms slip around his neck; she had read a few things in the library, and perhaps a few of them that a blushing virgin bride should not read. Especially when that virgin bride was a princess. But she had some ideas. She slipped her arms around his neck and held on as she returned his kiss. It was soft and tentative and when it was over she would not let him go.

Thor was hers.

She wouldn't let him go.

She could feel Thor's heart pounding faster and faster. His arms tightened around her, for just a moment. Loki pushed her hands into his hair and gave him another kiss, leaning up on her toes to do it. "Please, my lord," she whispered, right against his lips, "I could please you if you would let me. I could be a good wife."

He whispered her name, then pulled her in close, kissing her again. Now Loki's heart raced, too. She was frightened and she was excited, all at once. She loved the way his arms felt around her. Her thin shift rode up the backs of her thighs when he pulled her close, and she shivered at the feel of the cool night air on her suddenly too-warm skin. She kissed him again, and again, eager to keep all his attention on her. If she could just get him to stop thinking so much...

"Thor, my lord, you're holding me too tight," she said, softly, though she kept kissing him, over and over. "You'll crush the breath from me." She lifted one hand into her hair. "I will not run away. I am not afraid."

"I'm sorry," he said, loosening his grip immediately. "I'm... I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry."

"I know you didn't." Loki stroked Thor's hair, the way one might soothe a frightened animal. "We can make this work, my lord. I know we can." And, though her heart raced and her hands trembled, she reached back to unwrap his arms from her waist. She held his hands in both of hers and guided him to the bed. She sat on the edge of it and gave a sharp tug to get him to sit beside her.

She was stronger than he might have anticipated, but she was, perhaps, easy to underestimate. And clearly, he kept underestimating her because he was easily tugged to the bed when she pulled, stumbling a little and sitting beside her. "Who would have guessed that you were so strong?" he said.

She merely gave him a mysterious little smile--she was most certainly not going to bring up the Lady Sif when she fully intended to finally make love with Thor tonight. She brushed her fingers over his cheek and leaned closer for another kiss.

Even as she used her other hand, which had not released his, to bring his hand up to her breast.

His eyes went wide, and his hand tensed too hard around her breast. "Sorry--I'm sorry," he said, a moment or two later, trying to pull away even though he was still clinging to the material.

Which promptly ripped.

The momentary pain was forgotten when she heard the silk rip. She looked down in surprise, her eyes wide, and then started to laugh helplessly. "It would appear that my undergarments are no match for you, my lord husband," she managed between bouts of giggles. And, since he was her husband, she didn't try to cover herself--instead, she rose to her feet again and, feeling bold from her own mirth, she tugged the shift over her head and dropped it to the floor.

Thor started to stammer out an apology, then seemed struck dumb. His eyes darted about; he didn't know where to look, and he blushed, but Loki took little pity on him. "Please, my lord," she said, touching his cheek. "Please, look at me. Thor. I want you to look. My body is yours."

It had to be someone's, because most of the time she still felt wrong in it.

He lifted his head and looked at her, cheeks still violently red. She sat beside him again. He leaned in and gave her a kiss, then--after she heard him take a deep breath--moved his hand back to her breast. His touch was tentative and hesitant, and yet her chest heaved a little under his hand, her breath caught in her throat. She gasped against his mouth and pressed a little closer, her hand in his hair again. Her other hand covered his. "Touch me," she whispered, "Thor, touch me anywhere you please. I am yours. If you want me, do not be ashamed. Take what you desire from me."

He swallowed hard and kept touching her, hand kneading at her breast with no charm or finesse, his other arm wrapped around her waist.

Loki let him touch her for a time, and kissed him over and again, and her mind raced. She wanted him--his strong arm was around her, and she was naked, and he wore nothing more than a thin pair of sleeping pants. They were in his bed and he hadn't rejected her outright.

And yet there was a nagging thought in her mind. She thought he would have been the one to seduce her, to quite literally sweep her off her feet and take her to his bed and have his way with her, over and again, every night. Deflower her and make her weep with pleasure and joy. Overwhelm her with his power and his--everything.

She pulled away from the heat of him and looked at him as though he was a curiosity she had found on a library shelf.

"My lord," she said, very slowly, "you... have you not..." For once, words failed her as suddenly an awful, terrible thought struck her.

Thor's cheeks flushed again. His hands dropped to his sides as he turned his head away. "Is it so obvious?" he said stiffly. She didn't have to guess that his voice was the only part of him that was stiff.

She looked at him for a moment then drew away, sitting back on her heels. She still made no attempt to cover herself; she could see no reason. They were married. "Thor," she said, as gently as she could manage, "you could have told me. Is this why you have avoided me? Of course I assumed you had bedded half the beautiful maidens of Asgard--look at you! I imagine had I been born here I would have thrown myself at you. But there is no reason to be ashamed. We can learn how to do this together. We can learn how to please each other. I want to make love with you."

A silence stretched on between them. Nothing happened. There was no sudden clamour out in the hall; no invasion, no bilgesnipe, no rabid bunnies. They remained unattacked by monsters or assassins or wild creatures, and as the silence stretched on, Loki wouldn't have minded any of those things, and was more than certain Thor must wish for it more. Poor Thor--the mighty Thor, the golden crown prince of Asgard, forced into marriage with Laufey's heir who now appeared as a beautiful Asgardian woman. He could not answer her for so long, and she felt both pity and the urge to giggle at his expense: Thor's life was one of cruelty and pain.

"It is not something that I have spoken of," he said, more awkward than ever. "To anyone."

And now Loki felt guilty. Thor looked so utterly miserable. Her shift was ruined, so she took the blanket from the foot of the bed, wrapped it around herself, and sat down properly, close to him, hoping that her proximity might give him comfort rather than... whatever else it was that she had brought him. "Did you think I would not want you if I found out? Is this why you have avoided me so?"

Thor gave a noncommittal kind of shrug, avoiding her eyes. "I have not meant to hurt you, my lady. I am truly sorry that I have," he murmured.

She reached out and swatted him. "You should be, you great fool! And here I have spent all my nights, alone, thinking that you thought me a monster!" She swatted him again, for good measure.

"Ow!" Thor protested, rubbing at his arm. "I already admitted that you were stronger than you looked--you don't need to beat me!"

"That?" she said, archly. "That was nothing, Thor Odinson. If I truly wanted to beat you, you would know."

"I believe you!" he said, still rubbing his arm as though she had hit him with a hammer.

His hammer, perhaps.

She huffed. "You had better," she said, lifting her chin. "Do not underestimate me, Odinson."

At that, he actually turned and looked at her. "My lady Laufeysdottir? I would never," he said solemnly.

"Good." With that, she leaned in and kissed him soundly. When she pulled back, she said, "Please do not send me away tonight."

He shook his head. "I won't," he promised. "But... I fear that I have ruined your sleeping garment beyond repair. At least beyond my repair."

"Then go fetch one of your tunics for me." She pointed imperiously at his wardrobe.

"Yes, my lady," he said, standing up and bowing low, before he went to do her bidding.

That was more like it. Loki would make this work if it killed her, but she was too damn stubborn for it to do that, so she would make it work. She dropped the blanket, pulled on the tunic when he brought it to her, then said, "Dim the lights, my lord, and come to bed." She slipped under the covers and made herself comfortable.

Thor went around the room to do just that, then joined Loki in his bed. "I am sorry," he said softly. "For hurting you."

"Your apology is accepted, Thor. We can keep trying. I have a very good feeling now that we can make this work." Loki snuggled up to Thor's side, arranging his arms just so for him to hold her. She rested her head on his chest. "I could love you, my lord Thor. My Thor." She closed her eyes. "I will make you the happiest man in the Nine Realms. Just you try and stop me."

Thor wrapped his arms around her, which made her smile as she closed her eyes.

"Shh," he whispered, sliding his hand over her hair, then kissing her temple. "Sleep. I will be here when you wake."

***

Loki spotted Thor, ran to him, and flung herself into his arms when she reached him. "Did you see, my lord? Did you watch me?" She beamed up at him, proud of her riding today. She hoped he was, too.

"Of course," Thor said, laughing and whirling her around as though she were a small child. "I wouldn't miss it!"

She laughed, too, and kept her arms around him when he put her on her feet. She certainly didn't care that there were stablehands about. "I am so pleased that you were here. I missed you today. Was your hunt successful?"

"I will let you discover that for yourself at dinner time," Thor said, still smiling at her. "Did you pass the time well?"

She linked her arm with his and they headed toward the palace. "I studied for some time before my lesson. I think the librarians are sick of seeing me."

"I doubt that very much," Thor said. "They are, however, worried that they will run out of books at some point," he deadpanned.

Loki looked a little horrified at this concept. "What if they do?"

Thor laughed softly and smiled at her again. "Do not be afraid. My father would never let that happen," he assured her.

"Oh, good." They passed another young couple who bowed to them, and Loki smiled and inclined her head; she noticed, as she often did now, that the lady had her hair done up in a style that Loki herself often wore. The neckline of her dress was quite like one that Loki favoured. She looked up at Thor. "I am leading all the latest fashions on Asgard, my lord, have you noticed?" There was delight on her face.

"I am not very good with clothing, but I will try to pay better attention," Thor said solemnly, although his eyes were sparkling. "The people like you."

"I never thought they would. That was one of the reasons I was so afraid. I thought they would hate me."

"If I had come to your world... would they have hated me?" Thor asked her.

She sighed softly. "I think they may have. Perhaps not hated--perhaps resented would be a better word. They would have been mistrustful. And I have been welcomed here by the court and the people and... I am so very, very grateful."

"I think that more must be done between our peoples," Thor said. "Perhaps... perhaps this is a start toward true peace, and not just a lack of hostility."

"I hope so. We will create the future together, Thor, you and I, and it will be bright and shining and hopeful. Now." She stopped, and leaned up on her toes to kiss his cheek. "I must get ready for dinner, and it takes me considerably longer than it does you, which I'm not entirely certain is fair. I will see you in the dining hall, my lord."

"I will be waiting," Thor promised, smiling at her again.

Things were better, easier, since that night. He was more relaxed around Loki; she was smiling and happy. This could almost work.

***

| Chapter 4: Torn to Tatters |